The Festive season - and how to handle it...
Your response forum
A big thank you to everyone who wrote.
Jonathan wrote in his Thought for the Day (December 3), that he gets lots of mail at this time of year
from people for whom the festive Christmas season is far from enjoyable. He
wrote: �It's a drag, a chore or source of terrible stress. It can be a time
of sad memories - or social pressure - or family guilt - or financial anxiety
- or for feeling obliged to keep up the most painful pretences. What's worse,
people say, �If we dare express our doubt about the whole affair, we get
called a Scrooge.� Do you have feelings on this topic or suggestions about an
alternative way to pass the holiday? If so, do drop me a line��
This is how you responded�
(Click here for complete Archives for Thoughts for the Day)
[Editor�s note: For space reasons and the avoidance of too much repetition,
most letters have been trimmed a little. Many have been cut back to
highlightjust one specific line of thought. Jonathan also says thank you for all the additional comments about our website - especially the kind ones.]
First, I love Christmas, always have. However, when my kids got to those teen
years, the presents just didn't excite them, and they seemed so let down by
the entire process. So we changed things. First, we found a family that
needed assistance, and we made or purchased gifts. Or paid for power for
three months. Whatever was most needed. Then each person in our family made
one gift for each member of our family, and we had one large family gift. One
year it was a video machine, another year it was a three-day skiing trip. We
also have a family tradition that something beloved is fixed by the
"Christmas elf" each year. Sometimes it was a favorite toy, or a beloved pair
of jeans. But it was always our job to figure out what that item would be.
Keeps you connected with your children. I think the most important thing is
to be flexible, traditions are wonderful, but sometimes they do not fit the
situation.
Gail McC.
The social pressure to consume is deeply disturbing. While not a practising
Christian, I still feel that the whole exercise has lost its way since Saint
Nick was painted in Coca Cola's colours! In all its retail hype and glitz,
Christmas is a true reflection of society's intellectual and spiritual void
which we desperately try to fill with stuff. Maybe the abbreviated "Xmas" is
more accurate, as we have lost Christ and have inserted "X", a variable, in
his place. I have sealed deals with my family to not exchange presents. We
exchange time instead. After all, I suspect that I have a lifetime's supply
of socks and wine chillers. My wife and I still get things for nieces and
nephews, but make sure that they are useful and educational. An interesting
observation is that the kids still have fun with these gifts.
Jason D., Australia
In New York City, one can go the Post Office and get a letter to Santa and
make yourself responsible to answer the child's wishes and deliver the
presents. When you're reading letters like, "Please Santa, I just want daddy
to stop hitting my mother..." Or "I don't need anything, but my mom could
really use a new dress." Instead of doing the usual Christmas party and
buying $10 gifts that will never be used, adopt a family. Your local food
shelter, post office, Salvation Army � there are many ways to make someone
smile.
Mrs Turner
I moved to the Western Isles of Scotland away from all the hype and ceremony
crap that rings the cash registers in the South-East. Here, Christmas is a
box of cards on the counter and ya buy em or ya don�t. I don�t miss the sox
and hankies much either!
Mike
I definitely felt very stressed and under the gun to buy gifts I knew nobody
really needed. I longed for Christmas to be more about just getting together
with family and friends and less about fighting for a parking place at the
mall. I timidly brought the subject up to a family member who, to my
surprise, completely felt as I did. The word spread. Relief - No Gifts! It
snowballed to a No Gifts policy among friends as well. Now for me the
holidays are about getting together with friends and family and have
absolutely no stress. Try sharing what you really want or don't want out of
the holidays with someone. You may be surprised to find, as I was, that
others feel exactly the same! Except - kids don't count in the No Gifts
rule. It really is all for them in any case!
Karen L. G.
One Christmas my grandparents actually walked out of dinner and drove back to
Texas that very day. That was how it was for my family every year. Little
jabs would be inserted here and there, everyone would blow up at dinner. My
grandmother would cry. My father would blame somebody. It didn't matter to
me. As long as I got my rollerskates, guitar, whatever, I learned to just
enjoy my fine gifts and let them at it. I would go outside or to my room. I
was happy there with my new guitar/rollerskates/game/doll! Now that I'm
older (much), I know how I want to spend Christmas. I want a fabulous,
romantic Christmas Eve with my boyfriend (quiet dinner, champagne, Venus
rising-joke). My child goes to her father's house (Divorce: Pisces/Aries cusp
paired with Cancer/Scorpio... look out) and spends it with her own
grandparents. I hope it snows. The next morning, Boyfriend goes to entertain
his own kids, mine comes home, I crawl out of bed, put on coffee and she
opens her skateboard/guitar/game/doll. I simply refuse to take off my
slippers all day. I make breakfast for whoever shows up. I just created my
own tradition and stuck with it. I see as many members of my family as
possible (The USA is big!), but I don't pressure myself to do it all at once.
Everyone knows to be on their best behavior, but we have forgiven each other
for wanting to do something else on our own Christmas/Hannuka/Solstice,
whatever, throughout the holiday season, just maybe not all together at the
same time.
Kate Goldsworthy, USA
Here�s my alternative to the 'madness' which is what has become of a day
which originated as a day of simple beauty. I do not exchange Christmas
gifts, do not participate in the absurd 'Christmas shopping' which has
gripped my USA in the past decades. Instead, I send a dozen roses and
carnations to my parents, a tradition I began 20 years ago. In addition to
remembering my parents, I donate shiny new children's books to the US Marine
Corps Toys for Tots, donate food and blankets to a local animal shelter, and
send a Christmas donation to the Defenders of Wildlife to help preserve and
protect the remaining wolves in the USA. This is my Christmas. My family all
know how I feel about the absurd practice Christmas has become. Above all, I
stay clear of any malls this time of year because Christmas has become a
commercial glut which I will not participate in. Instead of silly gift
giving I reach out to those whom I may never meet but deserve to be
remembered: the homeless and abused animals, and the children less fortunate
than I ever was as a child. On Christmas Day I take a very long walk through
the roads of my town and simply enjoy the quiet in the streets. Thank you for
your time.
Pamela M., Deerfield
Don't feel you have to follow the Jones' with $$$ on Xmas
presents. Don't visit who you don't want to visit � unless you're
hiding from issues you should face like forgiveness and tolerance.
But then don't leave that till Christmas to deal with. Do spend the
time with people you love. Take time out, rest up. Show gratitude,
charity. Express joy. Don't run around like chooks in a barnyard
buying, visiting, doing doing doing and not just being, being being.
People shouldn't have to be reminded of this if they just listened
to their hearts. Maybe Xmas should be a time for us to revisit
the child within us all.
Bernadette O�C
The true meaning of Christmas is not just for the holiday. Although we give
and receive gifts amongst our friends and families, this day and the gracious
humanity that it represents should not be much different from any other day
of the year or any other day in our lives for that matter. I don't mean
giving material gifts everyday, silly. I mean little "soul" gifts, or gifts
of the heart and mind. As one of the greats, John Lennon, said over and over
again: "All you need is love, love. Love is all you need."
Kathryn H
Instead of worrying about what other people will do for me, I use the time to
focus on what I can do for other people. This year, for instance, I'm living
in a new city and the only person I really know here is my boyfriend.
Instead of focusing on how much I miss my family and friends, I'm baking
cookies to take to the office, sending cards to people I've lost touch with,
and picking out great presents to mail to my nieces and nephews. With the
focus on giving instead of expectations, I'm having a much more enjoyable
holiday!
Jennifer M., Lawrenceville, GA
1. Do something for yourself. Unplug the TV (Sound of Music & The Queen�s
Xmas message will be the same next year when you might feel you do want to
opt in), Tell your friends and adult family that you have loved them all
year, maybe tell them some way they have impacted on your Life that year.
Give Hallmark and present-buying a miss. Tell them you are spending the money
on a gift for a Child charity - then DO IT! Get yourself books or music that
you have always wanted to enjoy - go somewhere near or far that feeds your
spirit and is quiet. Go for walks, do yoga or kayaking. Whatever brings YOU
peace. Spend the time with someone you really SHOULD spend a lot more time
loving � you. You will be much less of a "Scrooge" when you come back!
2. Devote at least part of your Christmas to working for a charity, an old
folks� home, working in a soup kitchen, buy a Macdonald�s & give it to a
street person � something that takes your attention off yourself for that one
day.
Jane D, England
In addition to all the holiday stress, some of us must also face our
BIRTHDAYS during the holiday. I'm a December 22 baby and I can't say I've
ever felt fully free to enjoy my birthday in the traditional ways... out of
consideration for all of the stress everyone is under! Receiving gifts or
attention of any other kind on my birthday has never been easy. And NOT
receiving them is also equally a bummer! What is the positive side of this
karma, I wonder?
Sandrajane
I heard a wonderful story about a three-year-old girl. Her father was
stressed because of the season and could find no joy in it. The child gave
her father a gold-wrapped box, when he opened it, he angrily said "this box
is empty, when you give a gift there should be something inside" she
tearfully replied that there WAS something inside because she had blown
kisses into it for him. This softened his heart and he kept that little empty
box all of his days, to open at times of trouble and remember the kisses a
pure little child had given him. This year I plan to give boxes of kisses to
those I love.
Barbara D
To help yourself: Adopt a positive attitude about things in general, if not
the holidays.
Tell people nicely but firmly what your celebration limitations are � but
make sure you are not just "awfulising" for the attention. I tell people I'm
not doing much because I am going to be away for 5 or 6 days. I felt guilty,
but now as the day approaches that I would decorate, I am doing other things.
Enjoy other peoples' celebrations � whether sitting in store or mall, looking
at lights, visiting the florist, or going through some nice grocery store or
going to see friends or visiting your house of worship.
To help others: Tell people to let themselves off the hook for doing anything
BIG for you or for others. Encourage visiting instead of buying, phone calls
instead of big meals. Help people out who are having a troubled holiday
because their kids are in military service, or they have a sick parent or
child or are just overwhelmed.
Take people for a walk at work or when they visit or when you visit them.
Enjoy the days and nights and look at the stars or let the snow fall on you.
I live in Arizona and it is fun to be cold at night now. Going for a walk
even if you don't say anything will re-engergise your "heart."
Tell people to make sure that for 10 minutes every day to feel sorry for
themselves or feel sad about their poor health or losses and think of nothing
else. Time it. And then put those feelings away until tomorrow. It is a way
to allow one to have those feelings without letting them control you.
Tell people you love them.
Paulette L
Thank you for bringing this issue up in your typically insightful and
compassionate way. It had been a major issue through much of my life. Lately,
however, I've had absolutely splendid Christmases, alone. I treasure that
time by myself!
Lewis S
I have told all my friends that I am not exchanging gifts this year, I have
chosen to donate to various charities (homeless, shelters for battered women,
donkey sanctuary, and have given towards the suffering in Afghanistan). We
can all enjoy each other's company and affection rather than having to feel
pressured to buy, buy buy gifts.
Christine N
I abhor conforming to what "should" be done! As long as the children are
happy, I am happy to forgo the celebrations of something which is by no means
certain. As I live near the beach, I would be happy to take a picnic and sit
beside the sea being at one with nature and its wonders. The freedom of it
and the freedom from all that Christmas means to me or brings with it. Ditto
the new year, another artificial celebration. Ah, bah, humbug!
Debby
Remember that the best gift is to be good to yourself. So if there is
something you don't want to do then don't do it. Since guilt is a man-made
emotion designed to control us and make us do what others want us to do give
yourself the gift of being guilt-free (as best you can, it takes practice).
Since Christmas is supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus of Nazareth and
he would certainly not want anyone to feel anxiety or pressure or guilt over
what has become a very commercialised celebration I figure that I have his
permission to not feel bad. One solution for not being "able to afford"
Christmas I have used in the past is to give each person an I O U. The IOU
stated what I would give them if I could give them anything in the world. I
don't remember specifically what I gave to most of the family in those IOU's
but the handy man in the family got an IOU to buy his favorite hardware store.
Collins
Have a plan and keep busy. It is a good chance to take holidays or do all the
things you have put off over the year. Although it may not be what you had in
mind it is important to try to do something nice for yourself and enjoy it
for what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have.
Nonie V
So what if money is a little tight, always, always look for what counts �
good health where you can find it, good friends where you can find them,
smells, tales, old photos of happy times � there are a dozen ways to remind
us of what's good in our lives and in the world � you simply have to look!!!
I know, I know, my Sagittarian idealism is a killer, isn't it!!!
Patricia P
I know this may sound hokey. People should ask God or whoever they believe
their higher power to be, to give them peace of mind this holiday and trust
that God or the universe will take care of it. Wonderful situations will
present themselves. God-bless, and remember what Christmas is really all
about. The Lord's birthday, When it is someone else's birthday in your own
home, are you resentful and depressed because that person is enjoying his or
her own birthday? No! Allow Jesus to enjoy his day and be happy for him.
Madtopper
We have to remember what the holiday season is all about, the birth of our
Savior. If nothing else, to remember that this was the time that God loved us
so much he sent us his son to bare our burdens and sin. Whenever the stress
of the holidays is too much that is what we need to cherish. And to look
around and cherish those that are in our lives, for their love, kindness,
patience and forgiveness. We all get so caught up in the marketing of the
season we forget the true meaning. Since September 11, I remind myself daily
that every day and every minute we need to count our blessings. When our
lives are filled with chaos we have the control and can take responsibility
not to let it take over. Deep down isn't it all about loving and being loved?
You can't put a price on that, and not getting the cookies baked, sending
Christmas cards out or buying the right gift shouldn't change that.
Mary F
A great alternative to doing what "you're supposed to do" is simply to do
what you want to do. There is so much pressure to have this grandiose
celebration that people completely forget that you're actually supposed to
have a good time. If someone asks, just tell them you're using your holiday
vacation to really and truly relax. It isn't what you do that matters, so
much as you enjoy yourself while you're doing it. My parents and I had a
particularly horrible year, and on Christmas day we skipped all parties and
had a wonderful dinner at a Moroccan restaurant. It's probably the best
Christmas I ever had.
Sharon, Washington DC
I don't want to hear it from anyone this year.....not after September 11.
If I do, I will tell them to be thankful that a plane didn't hit their office
building, be thankful that you have your children and a spouse to come home
to every night, be thankful that you are not facing financial disaster, and
if you did lose a loved one recently be thankful that at least your have some
sort of closure and you had a burial.
Nancy J. P
Who decided Christmas was suppose to spent with people you haven't seen all
year, that you have nothing in common with, spending money on gifts people
will not like, eating roast meals and Christmas pudding? Make your own
tradition, do it with love and peace in your heart (as this is what Christmas
is about)... My partner and I are off to Bali for Christmas to expereince
another culture�s Christmas....and making our OWN Christmas.....
Kim R
I am a Jew. I don't have Xmas. So the madness I see around me every year come
December is amazing. There are so many people out there who hate this as you
said. The solution is given in your summary. Just gather together all those
people who would like to boycott Christmas and have a party with them. No
presents, just [their] presence. I am sure a lot more people would join if
they realised how many others want to drop out.
Simone B
When things become to big for me to handle, I need to break it all down into
little pieces: one thing at a time. Choose one thing that will put a smile on
my face. Choose one task that will make me feel like I have accomplished
something positive. Do one thing for someone else. It may be one thing more
than I could manage last year and it will be one more step closer to being
calmer and more at peace. Peace really does start from within and it can
start with one thing at a time.
Martha M
Aloha! The celebration is really about the return of the light and having
been in the dark for so long, I think people feel more gloomy and depressed.
Besides, I feel that we don't take advantage of the darkness to "hibernate".
Being in the dark is a time to go within and recharge are batteries. In
modern culture, we are expected to keep going on with our daily lives as
they are, we fall out of the natural rythm of the Sun's cycle. This causes
more stress and depression. If we all made time in our lives to go into our
inner cave, be quiet and just listen, I feel we would emerge much more
refreshed and able to face the joy of the season.
Kalyan M., Hawaii
I used to dread Christmas, until I decided no more, meaning no more family
reunion. I send presents and ring them on the day, and spend Christmas with
who I want to. I was sick of getting so depressed on Christmas day I couldn't
take it any more. I love family, but not on Christmas day.
Susie I
I celebrate YULE, winter solstice. I have yule decor (same stuff less the
angels and Jesuses). I do a wonderful ritual for whoever wishes to come, they
love it, have one present per person, and then I have five days free from
stress and worry, don�t need to shop or go anywhere and it is very nice. If
people choose to call us names that is THEIR problem, remember?? Living alone
helps but I started it when I wasn�t.
Barbara, Sacramento, California
I do the family thing for lunch, and then in the evening I have "Bah Humbug
Bevvies" - drinks with friends. Christmas is the day when you have to see
your family to have a celebration (and therefore the stresses of that) when
if you want to have a good time, you normally spend time with your friends!!
Jane V
We leave to go camping in the bush on the Friday after school breaks up. This
avoids any last minute stress or holiday shopping. It also means we miss
those scary Christmas Day lunches and dinners. Our children open their
presents over the 12 days of Christmas (to give them plenty of time to enjoy
each present on its own and to properly thank the giver). The first gift?
It's the camping trip! We get home on Boxing Day refreshed and
stress-free...
Christina D
The real key is doing what makes you happiest. I don't buy gifts for anyone
other than my son and niece and nephews, and even then it usually is
something like a book, or something they don't get from anyone else. My son
and I (he's ten) make sure we do some charitable work, every season, and that
makes us appreciate all we have. So I guess, the idea is to give in the ways
that bring you joy, not in the mass-marketed ways...give of your time, your
talents, and see how different that make the holiday feel.
Diane
Virtually every single Christmas was tarnished by family arguments,
misunderstandings etc. Looking back at those years, it brought out the worst
in family members resulting in some fairly unpleasant episodes. I started to
hate Christmas as I dreaded what would happen. Fortunately, within the last
three years, things have changed beyond recognition. Christmas has now become
the time to bond together and help each other out. Everyone feels better for
it. However, the most joyous Christmas is about to happen � my sister gave
birth to a baby girl back in August and this will be her first Christmas. She
is and will be the centre of the attention at Christmas for many years to
come. As a result, we are really looking forward to Christmas as a whole
family. On a final note, I feel that we have lost focus of what Christmas is
meant to symbolise. It is now a purely commercial venture. The money factor
makes it a particularly stressful and expensive for many. Let�s put away
commercialism and concentrate on bringing our families and friends closer
together. Presents may buy us temporary happiness but it is nothing compared
to the bonds the family and friends can forge that can last a whole lifetime.
Bobby S
Give oneself permission not to do what one thinks everyone is expected to
do...
Avoid present angst from folk who never say thank you, by sending family
presents like 6 bottles of wine to the group. (I have a niece who thanks
everyone else sickeningly sweetly and never thanks me). Go away for
Christmas. Give presents to people who really have been lovely to you during
the past year....this is where the pleasure of giving arises.
My father is dreading Christmas....has been mentioning it for months...so I
am going to send him something in the post for the twelve days up to
christmas so that it creates an event for him. If you have a family, give
each one a particular responsibility so that 'Mum' does not have the bulk to
do. So what if Jimmy buys the pud from Tesco....it's all part of the fun.
Facilitate others and leave them to it. Perfection is for those in early
graves.
If you are on your own.... Avoid joining in other people's Christmases...it
can make you feel worse. Do the charity thing...help someone else. In the
Dalai Lama's post-September 11 message he said: �If you want love...give
someone else love... If you want happiness...give someone else happiness If
you want emotional comfort...give that to someone else.�
So it follows..that at Christmas...if you want to be able to look
forward to it...you must make it an enjoyable time for someone else.
Linda C
Tom Lehrer had Christmas (like many other things) sussed, didn't he!!
Remember his song 'Christmas time is here, by golly, tis the season to be
jolly.....' in which he suggests it is not a good idea to stand underneath
when the reindeer pass by in the sky!!
I would suggest bringing that song of his back into circulation this
Christmas.
And a few others from his hilarious recordings for the rest of the year, too.
On a more subdued note - what happened to midnight carol services and home
made presents?
Caroline K, Sheffield
As a single Mom with a somewhat dysfunctional family background, when my
daughter was born, I decided to create a tradition of our own. I moved to a
fairly small city on the outskirts of Toronto, and looked for a church that
my daughter, who was four at the time, could get a somewhat liberal
background in so-called religion, and found an Anglican church that was quite
innovative.
On Christmas Day, they have a communal dinner that feeds approx 250 homeless
or people from hostels, those that were alone, that type of thing. We
volunteered to help out at this dinner for a number of years, until there was
no longer any real stress. Although we don't volunteer any more (my daughter
is now in pre-med and has a boyfriend with a large extended family), those
memories of our Christmases created new memories, in which I think, the true
spirit of Christmas is embodied.
Petra V
I'm from The Netherlands, and I believe that we celebrate Christmas a little
differently here (we don't do a lot about Christmas eve). But, what we all
(should) have in common is that we celebrate these days with the people we
love, without expectations and obligations.
Boxingday I spend with a small group of family, and Christmas Day I spend
with just my parents. We don't dress up then, and we just save up all the
great movies for that day. We don't worry about a fancy dinner (that's for
Boxing Day) so we just have toasties or something like that. It's a wonderful
day without any 'have to do's' or 'must do's'.
Ursula W., Amsterdam
Share what you have. Help to make someone else's life happier over the
Christmas period even if this means a sacrifice to yourself. Be sensible and
spend only what you know you can pay for. Concentrate on the aspects which
mean most to you, not on the artificiality. Make the effort to be happy and
joyous based on how you feel and not how much money you have or who you are
going to impress.
When, more than ten years ago, we were reduced to a position where we had to
fight daily for our financial survival we had to make some hard decisions
about Christmas. No cards. No presents. BUT we did have a turkey (frozen and
bought at a time when they were low in price) a piece of ham, plenty of fruit
and nuts and told all our friends that they were invited to share what we
had. Every supermarket in the land has bargain offers and knock down prices-
these can cut the expenditure down to a level that you can afford enough food
for all to share. Our family and friends ( and others) knew of our
predicament and they did not only share our worries and give us their
support but they also sighed with relief when we had put an end to lots of
silly practices that have emerged over past years and they felt free to do
the same.
We all looked at Christmas in a different light. We agreed that to squeeze
�25 from our tight budget to give to the Salvation Army to feed six homeless
persons was far more important than worrying if we had bottles of gin or
whiskey.
Christmas is a time for the children but keeping up with the 'Jones' and
giving in to peer pressure so as to make sure that your children have as much
as everyone else's is stupid and not well thought through. Once Christmas is
over and there is no money to pay the debts which have accrued on credit
cards etc., the arguments and worries start and any enjoyable memories of the
Christmas period are soon erased. Speak to the children and help them to
understand the choices they have i.e. One present to the value of �x plus
stocking fillers. It is surprising how this helps the children to appreciate
their one and only present and also to realise that money does not grow on
trees. They tell their friends and all but the obnoxious spoilt brats begin
to understand and to be less demanding of their parents. The competition and
the peer pressure stops. I hope that there are some ideas here which you can
share with others.
Mero T
View it as a cleansing time...a rebirth...relax...and stay away from anything
that causes stress or pain...enjoy...go to the beach...find yourself...reach
deep inside...and work out what you want from the new year...be with people
you want to be with...and sometimes that's not family. Be brave and connect
with what makes 'you' happy...and have a merry time!
Mary-Rose A
My three year old son, brought up in Zimbabwe in Africa, was more Shona that
English. He called Christmas 'Kleesmas'. And he adored Kleesmas. It wasn't
the presents or the tables full of food. It was the sheer joy and wonder of
it. Because he was my mother�s favorite grandchild she always made it even
more special for him. They are both dead now and the temptation is to be very
sad. I do miss them, especially at Christmas. But I make a point of
celebrating Kleesmas with all the joy that they both brought to it. With a
lump trying to get out of my throat at the same time as a laugh!
Have a happy Kleesmas
Bev L
Take a holiday abroad or pretend to be ill and stay at home.
Anon, UK
The only alternative that always works for me, is to go somewhere where
mobiles don't work, the paper is always a week behind and the only TV
channel is the local one. I can relax and enjoy the company of a few close
friends and relatives, the sun and surf. Wake up with the kookaburras and
vegetate (sorry, meditate� on life).
Isabel R
Years ago, in honor of a great-aunt of ours who had a -- um -- thrifty sense
of gift-giving, my sisters and I launched a Tacky Pin Exchange. When we were
little, the great-aunt would always have something under the tree for us,
which was very sweet. But, being kids, we wound up laughing at whatever it
was -- usually a heinously tacky piece of jewelry that looked like it came
from a church bazaar.
I can't remember precisely what started it, but at one point pretty much all
the women on that side of the family were gleefully participating in the
Tacky Pin Exchange. It became THE highlight of Christmas. The rules: You se
nd whoever's on your list a tacky pin. The upper price limit is $5. You can
find these all over: cheap boutiques, secondhand stores, yard sales. (Extra
points for missing rhinestones.) Seriously, we'd keep our eyes peeled for
them all YEAR. Recipients must wear ALL the tacky pins received that
Christmas ALL DAY on Christmas Day, no matter where they go or what they do.
We had a BLAST with this for several years; it eventually faded away, but I
still have a jacket full of about 4 years' worth of tacky pins. They range
from plastic poinsettia pins to "JESUS" spelled entirely in rhinestones to
large fake diamond-ring pins to -- I'm not kidding -- an actual severed,
preserved snake's head, with the jaws open and one dried drop of glue hanging
from each fang to simulate poison. (These are something you buy if you live
in Texas and want something grotesque to pin to your hat, apparently). Try
sitting across from THAT during Christmas dinner (remember, you have to wear
these monstrosities all day).
You can let the holidays draw you into daily panic attacks, or you can
lighten up, let go of the stuffier traditions, and make some of your own --
the weirder, the better.
Viv
For me the Holidays are a chore of painful pretences, however, in the past
year I've found a part of myself that had been missing. It's called my
self-esteem. This year I've decided not to let my family make me participate
in things that I don't feel good about. I've made my own tradition of
decorating my own house in Christmas decor, and making my presents. I now
only buy for the people I truly love and no longer will be a slave to
expectations of gift giving. Gifts should come from the heart and be
received with love, meaningless gifts are nothing but commercialism. I have
decided that giving to charity over the holidays makes me feel good and
knowing I helped make someone's day brighter helps the holiday doldrums.
Volunteer work with the elderly is particularly rewarding. So many people
don't have families to celebrate the holidays with, and lending time to make
one of them feel special gives back far more than is given. It lifts my
spirits to lift someone else's spirits.
Augustina M
This year I guess I have finally gotten over the hump of feeling sad, having
anxiety and stress. Decided to decorate outdoors for the seniors in the
neighborhood and cancelled gift-giving to friends and family and will send
money to charity and do more than one "angel tree" (where needy kids have a
wishlist tag and you get the gift). All the above will make me a calmer and
happier person.
Julie, 53, Washington State
I'm spending Christmas week at a health spa (1,000 calories a day, exercise
I'm not [yet] in shape to do, and MASSAGES). Then New Year's weekend I'll be
at a nearby Zen monastery on a spiritual purification retreat. Throughout the
holidays this year, I'll be among people, maybe make new friends so these
holidays won't always be so sad and lonely, and regardless, get my mind, body
and spirit all in better shape. I think all of this will be joyful but,
regardless, it will be memorable!
Judith B., Santa Cruz, California
There is nothing more satisfying than making it a magical time for children.
The nice thing about it is not the present giving, but the time we all spend
together. You can choose to make the most of your life, or go through it
moaning about what you haven't got etc. The only sad thing is that it is
called the season of goodwill. There should be goodwill all year round.
Liz N
Some years ago, when a situation in my life made Christmas (despite my faith)
, seem a bleak prospect, I became involved in a group who assists disabled
children in learning to ride. I wanted to focus my attention on doing
something positive for those whose lives had no great chance of improvement
in the long term, whereas an end could be seen to my troubles. I found myself
involved in a Christmas party for the children , a Christmas play, lunch for
the helpers and so on. Christmas really did become a quite different matter �
even though the "trouble" could not be removed, it was forced to take a back
seat!
In this group of people, I found an uplifting optimism in the children and
helpers and great friendship which saw me through that difficult time and
endures today.
To relieve another's suffering is to forget your own...and it puts life into
perspective! I will also say that becoming an active member of a group which
outwardly expressed their faith (and I'm sure this applies to any belief, not
just the Christian faith) was another way to find companionship and
fulfilment at this dark time of the year. Even if Christmas really IS
acknowledged to be the coming of "God" into our midst, lone faith IS lonely!
Nichola
One of the best Christmases I spent was on a walking holiday away from all
members of my family. No presents, cards or tree but good (vegetarian) meals
and lots of fresh air and the Yorkshire Dales.Walking in the snow on
Christmas day without having to go back to too much food (and without having
to cook it)was wonderful.
Anon!
I have just found out that at 40 I have to have heart surgery. This has all
been quite a shock. My children, I have three of my own and a stepdaughter
that is like my own, are still in shock I think. Christmas this year, we
have promised each other, will be focused more on family, being together,
loving each other, and being more tolerant of each others shortcomings. We
want to make this a Christmas to remember. Even though I know that I will be
fine, things like this make me more appreciative of my family, and the
people that love me. I want them all to know how much they mean to me, how
much I love them, and am very proud of the adults they are, and my son how
very responsible he has become at only 12 years old. And how attentive and
loving he is towards us all. And he has said that he would much rather have
his mom than presents for Christmas. Presents and expensive things can in no
way make up for any of that. So rather than try to out spend the neighbors,
and buy every new technical gadget that has come out, we are going to make
this a truly old fashioned Christmas, one where we exchange hand made gifts,
and lots of love, a Christmas that I am truly looking forward to.
Little Wing
As a social worker, this time of the year is one of the buisiest when it
comes to in-patient rates in psychiatric hospitals. The symbolism of
Christmas, both religious and secular, has made it quite often an
overwhelming burden for some, filled with intense sadness. I think that it
helps if people become actively involved in their community..maybe by helping
someone else who they perceive needs it more than themselves. I think that
caring for others leads to a sense of belongingness in ourselves by our
connectedness with others. maybe if we became more community caring, none of
us need feel alone.
Elaine Nash
My partner and I will celebrate the season with a Solstice gathering. We'll
invite close friends over on the weekend before December 21 and we'll spend
Sunday listening to music, watching movies and making round almond cookies,
orange soups, seed buns, a green wreath, and personal emblems of light and
dark for the Solstice. On the eve of the 21st we'll gather again- at first in
a darkened room. We'll spend time acknowledging the hardships and challenges
we've each experienced during the year (quietly or aloud- as each person
desires). After this grounding and somewhat meditative exercise we'll light
our candles one by one, bring out the cookies and bright ornaments, and dress
the table in scarlet to welcome the coming seasons (and this year a new baby)
of light with laughter, wine and music! I'll hang a small golden hoop and
stick (mistletoe attached) in the doorway for friends to "ring" as they head
out for home in the early morning hours. This is to encourage the sun to hear
us, and to remind him to make his way back to us in time for spring.
Corina
This is the best way to get through the Christmas season (or any old time,
for that matter!): Live in the moment and CHOOSE to be happy in that moment!
No matter what you are doing! Let go of all the mind chatter about the things
of the past and worries about the future. Right now is all we have and all
we ever will have. The events of September 11 certainly remind us of that!
Being happy is a choice...and nobody else can make that choice but you!
Don't leave it up to someone or something else to make you happy....and don't
blame them if they don't. It's really your choice so take the responsibility
and choose happiness!!!
Joanne S
I'm blessed I guess. I've released my only daughter (200 miles away) from
having to come and spend her Christmas with me, so that she is free to spend
it with her partner . So, I'm spending it alone, in my very small
Lincolnshire cottage, with open fire, eating just what I like to eat and
doing just what I like to do. Me and God, as I tell people. I'm looking
fowrward to being with the best person in the world - ME!
Bethan E S
For me a Leo Christmas is like a new moon. All I wait for is January 2 when
it is all over.
Jeffery B
It's started. The Christmas music in reception...
I feel SUICIDAL!!
Ebeneezer
The best holiday I'd spent was an odd one: as a volunteer for a suicide
crisis hotline. it was only a four-hour shift, and it really put a lot of the
holiday angst into perspective, as well as having given me pride in �saving
lives�. I truly do enjoy them more now than I had previously. Any local
hotlines would be glad for the help!
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
�Dr. Suess�
As a person whose birthday falls on Christmas Day, I enjoy the festivities, I
pretend it is partly for me.
Deborah M., Connecticut
I wish to propose a challenge for those who are filled with despair at the
thought of Christmas. It is a challenge of the heart and mind, and possibly
one that will lead to greater joy for all those who are willing to
participate.
Make a difference this year, in the lives of all you meet. Look into the eyes
of everyone you meet and smile as if you are connected - because you are.
Treat everyone with whom you encounter in a manner you yourself would like to
be treated - with respect and dignity and kindness - that each person you
meet matters.
Practise appreciating the people in your life - even if you have to dig deep
to find something to appreciate. Remember that one day the people we say we
love will be gone, and then it is too late.
Practise acts of kindness. Rather than thinking about what others don't do
for you, focus upon what you might do for others, and do it. Ask, what can I
do, how may I help you? Give of yourself, even if it is only for one day.
Practise patience. At times when you are tired, or on edge, take a deep
breath, relax you shoulders and appreciate that you have been given one more
day, one more moment to share life with others.
Finally, if finances are a burden, be honest about it. You don't have to
further your debt, that's a choice. There are always alternatives that show
you care. Make simple gifts - create cards - contact people, let them know
you care and take time to listen - or write a letter from the heart. It is up
to you what you make of Christmas. One thing I can guarantee from experience
is that freely giving of your self does generate joy.
Tracey R
After the tragedy of September 11, I have been looking at life from a very
different perspective and realising that it's not personal success or mate
rial wealth that brings happiness, it's spending time with the people I
care about, and who care about me in return. This has resulted in two things
- realisation of how much I care about certain family members and friends,
and also acceptance of relationships which have been, effectively, dead in
the water for a long time. I've made a conscious effort to rid myself of all
the destructive relationships in my life and concentrate on the genuine and
uplifting ones.
This year, because of financial circumstances, I can only afford to give
presents of relatively small value, and to a smaller circle of people.
Another suggestion is to send a note with your Christmas cards simply stating
that you have decided this year, in lieu of giving presents, to make a
donation to a charity instead. This leaves the amount of the donation
entirely up to you - it can be as large of small as you can afford.
Barbie Wyard
One of the best Christmases I ever had was spent with just me and my partner.
He had to go home for Christmas Eve so I spent the time home alone, cooked a
lovely meal for one, had a couple of glasses of wine and relaxed with a good
book. I was woken in the morning with breakfast all prepared, we ate, opened
pressies and then drove to Kinshaldy Beach, which is near St Andrews. We
spent Christmas day wandering through the pine trees, along the sand dunes
and wave dodging on the vast expanse of beach. We had this gorgeous spot to
ourselves - it was utter bliss. After several hours we headed home and the
walk gave us an appetite for the traditional roast, which I cooked while we
just relaxed in the kitchen together. We didn't spend a fortune, we didn't
have a social extravaganza but it was the most at peace at Christmas I have
ever felt...isn't that was Christmas is all about - Peace?
Hayley Barlow
Because of the events of September 11, I have told people that this year I am
having a "spiritual" Christmas instead of a "material" one. With the
recession and the war, it doesn't bother me at all to devote a Christmas
devoid of material giving. Yes, I have sent Christmas cards, am baking
goodies to share with friends and loved ones, and am giving just a few select
gifts to loved ones. But this year I am going to nursing homes, church
functions, spending time with friends who are out of work, focusing on
friends are are very sick. There have been many years I have personally
become Santa Claus for everyone around me. But I can't focus on material
gifts this year in respect to our service people who are laying their lives
on the line to preserve my right to live in freedom on my home soil, and in
respect to the New Yorkers, and those in Washington D.C. to whom I have close
ties. God Bless America as we await the celebration of the arrival of Jesus'
birth. This Christmas will probably be the most meaningful and memorable one
for me yet.
Debbie Whitlock
One year I suggested to a couple (long-time friends) that instead of
exchanging unwanted and unneeded presents, we try something else. Once a
year (and it did not need to be during the Christmas holidays) we would do
something over and above what we normally did together.
Sometimes it was a trip to Nowhere; sometimes it was attending the theater;
sometimes it was a visit to a unique restaurant; sometimes a vacation
together. Whatever we chose for that particular year, the cost was split
down the middle. Insead of the frustration of shopping, fighting traffic,
crowds and long lines -- we had fun together. This concept caught on with
family members and other friends. By the second year, I did no Christmas
shopping.
I began another tradition instead. Every holiday I gather "goodie bags" of
corn, peanuts, breadcrumbs and birdseed. I go for a walk in the woods, or a
park, or at the beach -- wherever I happen to be � and share my love with the
birds and critters of the area. It becomes a walking meditation and is a
source of incredible joy. The holidays have become a time of delight again.
Jo W
Back to Feedback Forum / Back to Thoughts for the Day
|
